This man child in my environmental class actually just said the phrase, “But if we can’t copy from the textbook directly I’m worried I won’t get the answer right.” He is honest to god trying to justify plagiarizing his essay????
So I can either bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute.
nick nO THAT’S NOT HOW YOU BAKE COOKIES FRIEND
HOW ABOUT 4,000,000 DEGREES FOR 1 SECOND
NICK YOU ARE GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN
I’M GOING TO HARNESS THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES
NICK P L E A S E
so here’s a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw “first wives club 2” on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
here’s the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbands’ new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it i’m starting to feel suspicious?? like it’s really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come they’re alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEY—
here’s what i did not know about first wives club 2:
- it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that i’ve accidentally bought porn on my family’s account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and that’s that.
EXCEPT, OF COURSE:
- you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and i’m sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and we’re just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, “okay, there’s something we need to discuss. as a family.”
- AS A FAMILY.
and i’m like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that she’s going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and i’m like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they weren’t going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
- my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
- my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
- my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
- me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, “i’m not going to ask again.”
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. “this was incredibly inappropriate,” she said. “skip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. i’m not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?”
- WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"don’t expose my kid to that crap."
- MY KID
- TO THAT CRAP
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and don’t expect me to pay for it. i can’t believe one of you did that in the living room."
- I CAN’T BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
- IN THE LIVING ROOM
but molly, why didn’t you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
- are you fucking kidding
- i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
- my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
- my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wife’s sister’s porn preferences
- my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sister’s husband’s porn preferences
but molly, why don’t you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isn’t real?
- are you fucking kidding
- this is the best thing i’ve ever done
This is the incident report that the Ferguson police just produce. Now if you don’t know, this morning they FINALLY named the killer of Michael Brown as Darren Wilson. Along with naming Darren as the killer, the Ferguson police are now trying to link Michael Brown with a robbery that happened supposedly MOMENTS before.
Michael was killed at 12:01 and this robbery was at 11:54.
There are so many questions.
- We’ve seen the surveillance photos they’ve produced that shows someone who looks like Michael being aggressive with a store owner over an apparent box of swishers. (If you don’t know, Swishers are cigar papers you can pick up for like…2 for .50.
- They are saying that Officer Darren Wilson was responding to that robbery.
- They are calling it an STRONG ARMED ROBBERY
- A strong armed robbery is using, involving, or threatening the use of physical force or violence to gain an objective:
- Okay, got that bullshit out of the way
- The dispatch tapes that were released mention NOTHING ABOUT A ROBBERY.
- NOT ONE WORD
- THE ONLY THING MENTIONED WAS A SHOOTING AND REQUEST FOR CROWD CONTROL.
- THAT’S IT
- So how did Officer Wilson FIND OUT about the robbery?
- They’ve now listed Dorian Johnson (THE ONLY OTHER EYEWITNESS WHO WAS THERE) as the second accomplice to the robbery.
- The same Dorian Johnson who has been trying (in vain) to talk with the Ferguson Police Department about Michael’s Death since LAST SATURDAY.
- So this man who is this SECOND SUSPECT IN A ROBBERY CASE IS PLEADING WITH YOU AND IS ALL OVER NATIONAL NEWS AND YOU ARE REFUSING TO SEE HIM. BUT HE’S A SUSPECT IN A ROBBERY. OKAY
- When Officer Wilson sees both Michael and Dorian his initial reaction was "GET THE FUCK ON THE SIDEWALK."
- Not any kind of reaction dealing with them being robbery suspects.
- From some of the pictures (I’m not going to post them due to the family’s wishes) if you compare the footage from the store and the footage from Michael’s death, he’s swapped from Nike sandals to Sneakers. This red hat cannot be found (this is speculation).
- If the reason Office Wilson approached them was because they were suspects in an robbery WHY DIDN’T HE CALL IT IN? WHY DIDN’T HE FOLLOW PROCEDURE? WHY WOULD HE ROLL UP ON ROBBERY SUSPECTS IN HIS VEHICLE? WHY DID IT TAKE 6 DAYS FOR THIS TO BE ANNOUNCED?
I implore you. IMPLORE YOU to take a look into the presented facts of the case. This is just an incident report, we do not have access to the investigative report. There has been no reports presented of Michael’s autopsy and this report is contradictory of the second eye witnesses report.
None of this makes sense.
They are putting Michael on trial to dehumanize him, villify him, to make him less human to justify his murder.
And at the end of the day, LET’S JUST SAY MICHAEL DID DO THIS…is petty theft (it was like 5 swisher sweets they say. That’s a two dollars and fifty sense) IS HIS MURDER, HIS EXECUTION, THIS UNARMED SURRENDING TEENAGE BOY, justified by this?
This is murder. Don’t let them put Michael on trial for HIS DEATH.